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Discussion Starter #1
New one.

It doesn't start. Simply as that. The starter spins for about 15-20 seconds at full speed, which tells me it's definitely not a dying battery problem, the console lights up in all shades of orange and red, "signal malfunction" or something similar, from what I can recall, then a big red battery sign, and then silence.

I am suddenly becoming interested in California Lemon Law.
 

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I am sorry to learn that your car will not start today. :(
If I were you I would forget any idea of launching any kind of action other than telephoning Jaguar Asssistance and within an hour you will be mobile :)
 

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Discussion Starter #5
Vapourgrey said:
flanker, is there enough gas?
Ummm, yes, the tank is about three quarters full. Is this sufficient, or this car has specific requirements in this area too?
 

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Discussion Starter #6
This is getting a lot funnier than I initially thought. And, it's a story in progress. Actual and future XF owners, read and learn ...

Day before. It's 10 PM. I call Jaguar Roadside Assistance, and tell them that my new car is dead on the side of the road. The operator schedules a tow truck for the next day. I am very specific about the time, I tell her it has to be 10 AM, because, see, my car is broken and away from home, so I need to call friends and arrange transportation for myself too.

Next day 9 AM. Phone from the towing truck company, they tell me the tow truck is on location but nobody's there. Of course, it's 9 AM. They were supposed to come at 10 AM. No big deal, I decided to take it easy today... Can you please send one later? Yes, no problem. Good.

10:30 AM. On location, tow truck arrives. Enrique gets out: Cool car, man, what's the problem? It won't start, I am saying. It's the battery, says Enrique. No, it's not, the starter cranks, and all lights are on, I am saying. He doesn't believe me, he has to try it by himself. Crank crank crank .. Yes, not the battery. He's finally convinced. Let's push the car back and load it on the truck.

Put it neutral, says Enrique. I get into the car, and then turn back to him, blank face: I can't, the dial won't pop up. Enrique is happy: told you it's the battery, not enough juice to pop the dial. I surrender: OK, it's the battery, do what you must but let's get out of here.
 

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Discussion Starter #7
Enrique gets his battery resuscitator out, attaches the wires, gets into the car and tries to put it in neutral by himself. Crank crank crank ... Same as before. No dial popping up. No neutral. It's not the battery.

I am calling Jaguar Roadside Assistance again. I tell them I need also technical assistance, honestly admitting that I don't know how to put my car in neutral, given the situation. It's time to find out that Jaguar Roadside Assistance doesn't give technical advice, they only ... road assist. I'll need to call the dealer myself. And by the way, they mention, it's good thing I am calling the dealer, because they (Jaguar Assistance) won't, so while I am on it, better announce them I am coming.

Calling the dealer. Asking to talk to a service adviser. Service adviser doesn't know how to put the car in neutral. Being transferred to a mechanic from the shop. Mechanic asks me to perform various things: no foot on the brake, try to start the engine. What do you see? What lights go on? Have you tried inserting the fob in the dock? Yes, I did, no difference. Can you force the dial in neutral? Trying, no luck: no it doesn't work. Can you slide your nails in the space between the dial and the console and try to force it that way? Yes, I can try. Dial doesn't move. No neutral.
 

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Sorry to see you are having a problem with your XF

To transport your vehilce you will need to use the Emergency park release. which is on page 245 of your handbook, hope this helps :?:
 

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flanker
You would be doing a great service to others if you would complete a little of the Profile section, found in the User Control, and indicate where you are so that others can avoid your area and Enrique like the plague :lol:
 

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Discussion Starter #10
Do you have the manual? mechanic asks. Everything you need to know is written in the manual. No, I don't have it with me. Feeling deeply ashamed. You can use a Mac without a manual, an iPhone, a TV set, cars have been around a lot longer, why do I need to carry a manual with me to learn now to put my car in neutral? These points are theoretical and irrelevant, the mechanic is not impressed.

I'll walk you through, he says. Finally. Please, do.

Get in the car, he says. I get in the car. Do you see the cupholders? Yes, I do see the cupholders. Open them. I do open them. Do you see an aluminum-looking strip "towards the end of the car" (sic). Yes, I do see it. Try to remove it. It won't move. Try harder. It won't move. I actually feel it like it's going to break and I dully report that. Don't worry, we'll replace it if it breaks, mechanic says. My nail breaks. Will you replace my nail too, I ask.

He probably gets annoyed. Pass me the truck operator, he says. I put Enrique on the phone and get away from the car, to vent.

10 minutes later, I get my phone back. The operator is obviously not qualified to handle the situation, you need to call Jaguar Assistance to send someone else, mechanic says. How about you come and pick up the car, I say. We can't do that, you'll need to talk with the manager, he says. Yes, please pass it on, I say.

Talking with the manager. We don't pick up cars, Jaguar Assistance does, he says. Well, Jaguar Assistance tried to, their contractor is here and the car won't move, I whimper. Sorry sir, we don't do that, you'll need to call Jaguar Assistance again.

Enrique looks and me: Why do they make these cars so complicated?

I don't know, Enrique.

To be continued.
 

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Discussion Starter #11
pekem said:
flanker
You would be doing a great service to others if you would complete a little of the Profile section, found in the User Control, and indicate where you are so that others can avoid your area and Enrique like the plague :lol:
OF course, I have nothing else better to do anyway, I am waiting for the second towing truck to arrive :)

Bay Area, California. Bit south of San Francisco.

People around here may know software or biotech, but definitely not cars. :)
 

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Discussion Starter #12
pekem said:
I am sorry to learn that your car will not start today. :(
If I were you I would forget any idea of launching any kind of action other than telephoning Jaguar Asssistance and within an hour you will be mobile :)
Let's see, 2 hours yesterday, 3 hours today, and I have a feeling that's not even the beginning :)
 

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Discussion Starter #13
Automated call from Jaguar Assistance. Please press 1 if your assistance has arrived, please press 2 if the assistance has not arrived.

2.

Music.
 

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I've put my car in neutral before, you have to prise off the panel in front of the cup holders and under there is a lever to pull up and the car goes into neutral. Wouldn't be able to get the panel off without a screwdriver though.
 

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from the description i wonder if it's a flooded engine - has happened to me with a few cars including an S-type V6. simplest fix is hold the accelerator down while giving the engine a long crank. you'll often hear it spluttering a little before catching.

i can't see why they want to get into the guts of the gear selector and put in in neutral - is there not a failsafe on the XF that it won't drop into the dash if still in gear. also, on my prev S-type i'm fairly sure if you try to start it in gear it won't crank :) edit - sorry got it - it's to get the car on the low-loader. i've had that prob with an autobox before :)
 

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Dear flanker,
Hope things have progressed in a positive direction by now...do tell us the final jist and outcome :?: ...Shalako
 

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Mine has refused to start on 2 occassions with the starter motor turning the engine over but not firing up and the dreaded DPF smell in my nostrils.Each time I have got out of the car ,locked the doors,unlocked the doors and hey presto it started straight away.
Hope this helps!
 

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Discussion Starter #18
hydrajaws said:
Mine has refused to start on 2 occassions with the starter motor turning the engine over but not firing up and the dreaded DPF smell in my nostrils.Each time I have got out of the car ,locked the doors,unlocked the doors and hey presto it started straight away.
Hope this helps!
Probably did this at least 20 times, did not help.
 

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Discussion Starter #19
This situation got past its funny stage, now it's outright ridiculous.

Third day, car is still on the side of the road.

Yesterday the second truck driver turned around without doing anything.

He started to handle the car and I asked him what he intends to do. He told me that will tow the car backwards, front wheels on the road. I told him the manual says not to do this (picture, big X over the drawing of a car towed that way). The driver turned around, called his manager, and then simply left the scene.

Called Jaguar Assist again, starting to work my way up the management ladder. All of them seem utterly incompetent.

Today, Dec 30, 8:30 AM, third tow truck driver, not qualified the handle the car, returning to base.

Waiting for the fourth truck.

This is not fiction. It's reality.
 

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He stated to handle the car and I asked him what he intends to do. He told me that will tow the car backwards, front wheels on the road. I told him the manual says not to do this (picture, big X over the drawing of a car towed that way). The driver turned around, called his manager, and then simply left the scene.
:shock: good on you. that's a complete no-no.

now you've got the manual, can you stick it in neutral and let them take it away on a low-loader
 
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